i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
operation have a gay friend backfired
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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