Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
