I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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