i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
