I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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