i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
