Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
