My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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