if i can run in heels then i can drive
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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