I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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