Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
