i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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