theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
