If i come over, it means nothing
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
