Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
