dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
