I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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