i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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