No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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