is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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