Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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