Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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