and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
