I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
