mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
