Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
