We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
