Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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