I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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