____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
