Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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