i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
