I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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