Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
