Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
