There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
