Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
