and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
