she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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