i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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