There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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