It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
