i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
