I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
