I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
