you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
