Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
