I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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