the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
