awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
