I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
